Life has me again, or Now I've got the shard on - anonymous

After spending months—even years—working on completing my studies

Having worked – in self-imposed seclusion – because the voices left me in peace and I could concentrate on theories, concepts, historical facts and narratives – I returned to life outside after completing my studies.

And I wasn't received as warmly as I had imagined; above all, I had to face the voices again.

The first thing I heard in my head was my sister-in-law's voice: "Criminal," she whispered.

And I was about to retreat into a defensive, petulant shell again, thinking my sister-in-law was trying to pin a false crucifix on me. (I've felt persecuted by the idea of being given a crucifix ever since I was in a fundamentalist church group.) But mindful of past experiences, I didn't even try to dismiss the accusation as absurd and baseless, but instead remembered that it was better to minimize this attack by portraying myself as a very minor criminal.

And so it continued: Instead of cheers and applause, I was met with accusations and attacks from voices in my head and empty spaces where I expected my friends to be. Above all, I was supposed to be forced into obedience. I wasn't supposed to read—especially not English books—and I was supposed to pray. I also remembered that I had promised these voices/people that I would be there for them for a year after I finished my studies. I had obviously bitten off more than I could chew with that promise. I couldn't keep it. I tried to get psychotherapy, made phone calls, and got an appointment. However, the psychologist said she needed a prescription for the health insurance company, so I went to see a new psychiatrist who immediately diagnosed me with suspected schizophrenia.

When I asked again, the psychiatrist said that hearing voices falls under the spectrum of schizophrenia and that she had only prescribed schizophrenia on suspicion anyway. So, once again: bang, shattered glass. My protests at least got me a referral to a psychologist. She then subjected me to several standardized tests, ultimately failing to make a clear diagnosis. I'm still allowed to see and consult psychiatrists, which isn't much help since they only get reimbursed by health insurance for 10 minutes. So, no psychotherapy to help me reclaim what's left of myself. I have to face the world alone.